ha42elujah

in light of my extremely recent confession:
i believe in God.

i lost my faith for a little while there. i started to believe that maybe he's right. maybe God doesn't exist, and maybe God doesn't really help or hurt anyone or anything. i believe in a God that believes in free will and natural selection. i think God intervenes when necessary. He intervenes when peoples' own free will isn't taking care of them anymore. He intervenes to save and preserve good souls trapped in lives that have spun out of control. as much as i don't want to believe this, as chastised as i feel sometimes for believing in Him even in the most intimate of my relationships, it's the truth to me.

the Truth to me, meaning i'm not trying to help anyone with a God speech. i never want to push God upon anyone that doesn't want Him or believe in Him. if you don't, that's fine. i will love you just the same. but, i wanted to "publicly" say that i believe in God. i believe in a God who tests those that He loves. i believe in a God who saves those of His children who have fallen. i believe in God because faith is a miracle drug that has kept me alive. and, though he won't like to hear it--and, probably never will hear it--it is my belief that God sent my beautiful atheist to me. i do whole-heartedly think that God sent my atheist to me because he felt that i had passed my tests. God gave me a heart made to love. He tested me with illness, bad luck, and obstacles that i felt i couldn't overcome. i believe that this man with no faith is my gift from God because i have survived his tests.

i'm sure there are more tests. and, i am now prepared to make it through them. i am ready to begin my life as i am supposed to live it, as God intended me to survive, recover and live it.

even though the man that i love couldn't disagree with me more, i believe in God. and, it took this man to make me realize how good God is.

i believe in God.